A long day...

At work, I began to fret about her going out. Insecurities kicked in. Still, I silenced them pretty effectively. But I didn't want to give them a chance to creep back up, so I decided to go out as well.

My first option cracked, couldn't go. So I started looking for someone. No one was available. So I sat to read a book my ex lent me while I thought of where to go. But then my best friend tells me she has to talk to me.

I meet up with her, and we talk. About my future and why have I chosen this one. I'm shaken. Yet I go to her who says she loves me for reassurance, and she spurns me, saying it's my problem who I believe, and how dare I go to her with this when she's trying to have fun.

We finish talking, and I apologize to my best friends' host for kidnapping her in the first place. I'd like to think I made a friend right then, but such things are born of time and trust. So we'll see.

His best friend, though, puzzles me, though not as much as he should. He felt uncomfortable by my presence, and doesn't trust me. I've earned it, but I still wonder what he sees...

Feels nice...

I went to her house on my lunch break. Reheated my food, and sat with her to watch CSI. It's nice to spend time with her, not just romantically, but just as friends. I think that could be one of the problems we had. We spent so much time romantically bound, we never were just friendly.

Hmm, theory: maybe the reason she feels suffocated is because she feels I want her romantically all the time. Maybe we never learned to be friends, so we didn't know any other way to be towards each other.

Maybe now, if we learn to be friends, we can switch between those two behavior sets as our needs dictate. So if she feels suffocated, we can just go to friends, and have fun, and when she needs me emotionally, we can shift to that and fulfill her needs in that aspect as well...

Hmm...

~sigh~

I'm here, at work, on my 15 minute break. I can't take her off my head. I wonder if she thinks of me too? And if she does, is it with revulsion, admiration, wariness? I don't know...

Yesterday was a very typical day of what I would expect from her as best friends. We spent the whole day together, having fun and smiling. Except for the event at the beach, which was a bit more than friends, it was all perfect.

But she says that I suffocate her sometimes. If she wanted to be with me as much as me with her, she wouldn't feel that way. So I should be careful I don't mess up again. Maybe I should distance myself again?

I need too much attention. Or, actually, I think it might be the opposite. I want to give her all the attention in the world. But she doesn't want it all, just a bit, it seems, or only sometimes. She doesn't want to be the center of my world...

That's odd. I thought girls liked that...

~sighs, slumping~ I don't know. I can tell she still struggles to say things, but she does, a lot more than before. It saddens her that I'm sad, and that's a good sign. Shows she cares and worries about me. But I don't know...

I keep making the same mistakes...

She texted me this morning, woke me up. It's wonderful when the last thing I think before sleep and the first thing I think after sleep is the same: her.

I got dressed for work, but got some chinese takeout and met her at her house. I ate while she picked at my fries and we watched "Rent". Nice movie. Would like to watch it from the beginning.

Then I made the mistake, asking her if I could go to the beach with her friends on tuesday. She refused. I thought she would, but it was worth a shot. Still saddens me, though.

I mean, everytime Clary told Simon to stay home in the Mortal Instruments trilogy, Simon felt left out, and sad or upset. So I'm justified on feeling the same, right? We are best friends, like them...

Are we? I don't know. Sometimes it feels like more, when we connect and our hearts take control. Sometimes like less, when she wakes up and stops me. She said she'd feel better if I wasn't there.

That hurts...

But if she wants space, I guess I'll have to let her have it. What's gonna happen later, though? I worry...

Does she really not love me anymore?

As I lie in bed...

I'm in my room, in my bed. Gauging today's events, I should be super-happy. But I'm not. I'm afraid I'll overvalue and crash again into her, showing different perspectives on the same event.

Yet I can't take her off my mind. I love her so much...

We were in the sleeping bag in her family room, and she was asleep next to me. Her mom tried to wake her up, but my baby's stubborn, and loves sleep, so she just batted her away.

I tried next, telling her that her mother was upset, that she should decide if we're going to the pub with her friends or not. She said she was gonna stay there and sleep. I then asked her if she wanted me to go.

She said she wanted me there.

Then I told her that her mom wasn't gonna let it happen. To which she replied, "we can try..." while looking for my hand and squeezing it. She didn't let go for the longest time.

Bummer...

Well, seems tonight, at least for us, is cancelled. She was really sleepy, probably because of our climbing and stuff, so she decided to just go to sleep and ignore her friends. She sent me off with a kiss in my lips, and a hug of comfort, and told me that she'd call me while she showered before bed, to make sure I was ok...

I was looking forward to meeting her friends, and hanging out with her, and showing her that all her fears were groundless. But, she said another time...

Yay!

Well, today's been awesome! Picked her up, went to college, talked, smiled, cuddled while we watched "Elsa and Fred" in spanish class. Then she left for her other class.

Then I was alone, and had a very dark moment with myself. But I remembered some of the things I had to learn, particularly trust and humility, and let go of the temptation. AWAY I TELL YOU!

Anyways, then she was out of class, and I took her for lunch (BK, ugh) and dessert (Los Chinitos ice cream, yay!). Then we went to the beach.

I took her to a corner of the northern beach, called Piñones. From there I took her through a little forest of beach plants, to a corner that I hadn't taken anyone to in over 4 years or so.

A clear spot of beach, surrounded by rocky cliffs that in high tide fill with water from the crashing waves, making a million tiny pools of reflected light, all of them skittering with life.  Unfortunately, it was low tide, so no pools. Plus, the strip of private beach was taken by two dudes.

My plans unraveling! What to do? Well, we did a little rock climbing, and took her to another piece of beach that I hadn't discovered before. Sheer cliff on one side, rocky climb on the other, pretty steep, and two giant rocks in the middle, one on the sand near the cliff and another in the water very close to the waterline.

We climbed into it, soft golden sand splashing out as I did the final jump. Swallowed my feet almost halfway to the knees! Then I helped her down, and we surveyed our discovery.

The corner with the cliff and the rock made a humongous spot of shade at that time (3pm or so), so we decided to sit and cuddle, listening to the waves. We weren't gonna get in the water because she had a work meeting at 4, and the climbing and drive would take about 45 minutes.

But then, as we sat, she kissed me, and we kissed, deeply, for a few minutes while our bodies struggled to remember our positions, her sitting on my lap. Then I leaned back, cradling her in my arms.

We talked about ourselves, possible futures, or lack thereof. I was getting sad fast, because she had mentioned in college that she didn't feel the same explosion she used to feel when we kissed. We were both afraid of that...

Well, things happened, and we ended up skinny dipping to wash ourselves... ^_^

Then we got dressed, and quickly began to get back. By the time we were finished, it was still 4, and we were still in the beach! We got back to the car, and sped to her meeting, only stopping to buy 4 water bottles. PR sun at it's worst!

We got there, and I get the impression that her friends made fun of us, wondering where we were. We arrived at 5! She reported, saying we blew a tire, and that's what took so long. ^_^

Then we went to her grandma's house, to get her new phone, and then back to her house, where I took a shower and am now here, in the floor, on a sleeping bag, with her laying by my side, barely awake. Tonight we're going out with her friends.

I hope everything turns out ok...

Well...

Let's see what happens today, hmm?

Renewed Purpose

This feels... strangely invigorating. I bought a trimmer to keep my scraggly beard in check, sticky nose strip thingies (her name, not mine) to clean my nose, and vitamins, since I haven't been eating regularly.

They are Flinstones Chewables with Immunity Support.

Also, I washed my face with soap, even behind the ears where moms always nag. I feel dedicated to a goal, like getting ready to battle. I haven't felt like this since almost two years ago, when I first met her.

I will show her that I'm worth it.

Still, even though I washed, I can't reach my back. She was the one who used to wash it...

Also...

... I must learn perspective. Today I almost ruined everything again because I saw things differently from what they were. I gave a lot of importance to something that wasn't so important, and it caused us to be on different pages. When she corrected me, my heart plummeted.

Also, I must learn humility. Who am I to control everything around me. At the risk of sounding cheesy, I have to learn to be a smooth reed, swaying with the flow of fate's breath, than try to fight it at every turn...

Must learn...

… patience. I have to learn to relax, and let things come to pass. But I'm a control freak; I don't like things that behave unexpectedly. That's why I put so much effort in understanding people, so they don't surprise me.

I think, in a weird way, this stems from my fear of death. I hate the idea that I can't control my own destiny. I hate feeling helpless...

And right now that is what I am. I submit to her, and must accept whatever fate decrees. It puts the fear in me like nothing else. But I will persevere, for my love for her.

Similarly, I need to let things be. Not try to change them, influence them. Let what may come, come. But what if what comes is my own demise?

Interesting developments...

Well, today was an interesting day. She woke me up, sleepy herself, and hung up with a "Te amo". then I went to the meeting point and waited for her. We got to college, and we talked.

We talked about some things I wasn't supposed to know, but did, and how she didn't hide them when faced by them. The one question I wanted to ask her I didn't dare, though.

After that we went to english class, where she let me be as close as I wanted, so I rested my face against her arm. It was nice. Then I stood up in class and spoke of a piece of memory I wrote long ago which still seems to fit.

After class neither of us wanted to deal with el calvo mamao, so we left college. We took a tour of some houses she needed to count, and then went to borders.

There I pushed my point as hard as I could, and I still don't know why she allowed it, but she did. Maybe I convinced her. Now I know that not so much. Still, she agreed to trust me and try this. Now I'm in the game.

Just still at the bottom.

We ran into some of her coworkers at Taco Bell, and she allowed me to tag along. She said she wanted me to stay, so I did. That made me feel great. I thought I was getting somewhere.

I dreamed and thought and texted her during work, and bled happiness through my pores! Then went to her house at lunch, and finished her Exalted character. Then I had to go.

We spoke some more, and though I get thursday afternoons, her friends get her at midnight. It feels like Cinderella, except the actual fun starts at midnight, when I get summarily kicked out.

Still, I get to be with her, so I feel awesome during the day. I have some plans for tomorrow that should be interesting, I hope. hope she doesn't find me dull and boring.

Which brings another point. I'm gonna try to spice things up for myself... and for her, for my world still spins around her. I'll see what I can come up with.

I feel like we agreed to be "Friends". Now actual courtship starts, ~laughs~. I don't know, though. I think she regrets it. She pulled back solidly when I left for work, and said I was pushing, which I guess I was. I hope time can smooth things out.

Still, I love her with all my heart, and I won't let her down.

Hopefully, time will ease things...

Dreams...

I can't sleep, my heart rate's too fast. I keep visualizing the many different ways I could die, and they are all peaceful in the end...

I wish I could die...

Loss is getting feisty...

The more I think on it, the deeper it hurts. Damn, and I thought I was rid of him!

I think I get it...

I think I understand what hurts so much. I used to be her world, as she is mine. But not anymore. Now, I'm not crucial to her happiness like I once was. Now, she can leave without me for wherever she wants, alone or with others, and be happy. I feel unnecessary, maybe unwanted, though I recognize it's not the same thing.

She doesn't miss me anymore. Or need me anymore. And that's what hurts. And it's my fault. I killed it myself, and I can even identify the moments where it died, little by little. I need to rebuild that. That desire to be with me. That passion. But how?

I don't know...

It's not something you produce; it must grow organically from being together. ~sigh~ I think it's time that I start to think of my retreat. There's no way I can do this without her, and she doesn't care either way, it seems.

If we were both trying to rebuild this, it would work. But as it stands, I have to reignite the spark within her, without her help, or even desire. That's awfully close to forcing, and I always said I wouldn't force anyone to be with me. But she says she wants to, and I can feel she does.

I feel vestiges, remnants of what once was. Today I went to her house, and we talked about Exalted. She leaned her head on my arm in a few occasions, which was interesting. But the big surprise came when we I was gonna leave.

She was talking to her uncle in the phone, and standing in front of me, while I was leaning on my car. After a few seconds, she leaned on me, resting all her body on mine, and nuzzling my neck. Then, ever so softly, she kissed my neck. Gently, as if kissing a sleeping baby.

After a while, she realized, and bounced off me, sheepish look in her face. When she hung up, she apologized, as if it troubled me. It didn't, at all, and I told her so. I told her that I could tell she was comfortable there, so I wouldn't deny her what comforts she could still derive from me.

That's what I have. A hopeful connection. I'll work with it. But I won't wait forever. I'll give it until her birthday. If by then things aren't much better, I'll just disappear. No sense in hurting the both of us, or worse, waiting for her to hurt me when she finds someone else...

Happy

I'm happy. Things seem to be ok, friendwise, between us. Seems I pissed off a lot of people with my stupidity last thursday, but with time I can smooth that out. She seems to defend her friendship, which makes me hopeful. We'll see.

The chemistry is there, which is what startled me the most. Our fingers played like they did when we were starting off, and we still bump our heads and our noses like we used to... it's wonderful. But I have to try and not suffocate her.

And to that end, I will let her reach for me when she wishes. She seems to prefer to spend her time with her friends, so I won't touch that. I'll just be there at college, as normal, and if she calls me outside. Otherwise I'll stick to myself. I'll try to do one thing a week with her. Just one, so she doesn't forget me.

I paid for breakfast, she paid for lunch. Either time, nausea didn't let me eat. But then at work, I was famished and ate as usual. Does she make me so nervous that I can't eat? Maybe...

Sad, isn't it?

First class

Had some stupid story to summarize in spanish class. Absurd.

Been talking with her today, and things seem to be ok. She's distant, in an expected way, but in others she's allowed us to be closer than I would've thought. She's talking, though, so that's awesome.

Morning

I woke up, if two hours of sleep could be considered "sleep". I was so nervous I couldn't stop fidgeting. I had nightmares as well. In all of them she was with someone else. In one she wanted my seed, but to raise the baby with her new partner because I was "unreliable" and "random". Is that true?

I unlinked this blog from my facebook profile today, because I think what I've been posting here's a bit too personal for all the idiots on Facebook. Anyone who knows my blog address and still checks it even after the ages-long silence in it still cares, apparently, so they can see it.

~sighs deeply, concern etched in his features~ I hope this hope isn't false hope. Loss is waking up...

I don't feel the pain anymore....

... but I don't understand why... she did say she loved me, but that doesn't mean she'll treat me like she does... am I so "living on hope" that that was enough to take the pain of loss away? The apparent promise that we can be in each other's lives, even if just as friends?

Well, no. I can feel an echo of the pain... you know, it's been such a close friend these last few days, I will name it. I will name it Loss.

~sigh~

She said that there's been a shady guy around where she lives outside, and that her mom said that she shouldn't go out... I don't know why I'm surprised...

I have to trust her, but I can't help but feel that she's keeping something from me... I don't know... if she loves someone else, she should just tell me and not let me get my hopes up. It's my only suspicion, because it's the only thing I can think that she wouldn't tell me; her feelings...

I'll just take advantage of the peace and start dealing with everything she owes me, and get that out of the way, just in case I have to leave...