~sigh~

Well, work was ok... saw her at lunch. I bought a Wii game for us to play together, but I messed up, and bought a shooter. She doesn't like shooters...

I felt that she trusted me more then. She didn't hide her computer like she usually does. Though she ignored me by it, seeming to prefer it to me... oh well, baby steps...

After that, back to work. I arranged to work thursday, which is usually my day off, so I could be all friday with her, but I'm afraid she's gonna cancel on me. Dunno why... just a premonition, I guess.

Then I went home to sleep. She ignored my messages, and other chances at contact, and I know she was awake. Am I starting to suffocate her again? I better keep some distance, just in case...

Now I'm in the car, waiting for her to go to college. ~sigh~ I miss her...

Lots of stuff!

Well. This week's been a doozy. I'm sorry I haven't posted, but it's just been so good I haven't had the time!

Monday was fantastic. We decided we needed some "us" time after all that happened, and so we stayed in the house. Made love, wonderful passion. She showed everything she had bottled up, obvious in it's intensity.

Then we watched the last X-Japan concert. She's a huge fan, and I think she might just make me one too. The songs are very good! What I saw, anyways. I was real sleepy and kept dozing in and out. Being close to her is so comfortable, and I hasd missed it so much...

Then we tussled in bed again, and we took a shower. We washed each other with all the tenderness we felt. Then she dressed up for a job interview, and I dropped her off at a friend's house, since it was a bunch of them going to the airport to look for a job.

I went to my job, where I spent an ok day. At lunch I saw her for a few minutes, and then back to work.

On tuesday we went to class, happy and together. I helped her with a videogame project she's doing for her videogame design class, then we left for our doctor, since we're both feeling not very good.

Doc gave us pills, and set us on our way. Having a medical excuse, I skipped work, and stayed with her. We went to Wal-Mart to leave the prescriptions, and went to Borders to read some while they were ready.

At all times we were happy and together, all wonderful smiles and hugs and closeness, an intimacy that no one could break. I told her that this time, since she's the one who's not sure if she's ready, she's the one who will ask me to be hers, and that she will get me flowers, too! She laughed, but I dunno if she'll do it.

We got the medicines, and went to her house. I suggested to both her and her mother an idea i'd had, to make a little excursion to the Mayaguez Zoo, with their family. They both seemed to like it, and her mother began to look up information on it.

After that we played a few classic games that I bought in the Wii. Because of the medicines, she fell asleep in the couch behind me. After a while, her mother started to make fun of her, and when she started snoring, we woke her up. I went home, and we both slept until the next day.

Today wednesday, we went to college, but we fell asleep in the car, and woke up one hour late. We didn't want to go in, so we went back to her house, and slept and cuddled until I had to go to work, where I am now.

It's all been great, but I'm still a bit scared. I've messed up once so far, when I bit her too hard in class. She did seem upset then, though it passed. Now I'm juggling things to be able to go with her and her friends to the beach, if she goes, on friday.

But she doesn't want me to go with her to Waiters, a pub near here, tonight, because a friend of hers who dislikes me is going, and she doesn't want any trouble. I don't understand why he dislikes me, he's never met me, and why is he more important to her than I am...

I think things will be all right...

I think things will get better now... we talked, we're going at it again. Sort of depends on her, we'll see how she behaves tomorrow....

Now I'm nervous...

~exhales~

Today was uneventful until the end. Work was meh, the book that she lent me is awesome, and at the end I was reassured beyong my wildest dreams. Tonight, I sleep blissfully...

Good night!

~cries~

This is what happens when she ignores my concerns. I look for an outlet, which is usually finding more about my concerns. I get nosy, and start looking for things...

If only she wouldn't ignore me, and trust me...

Argh!

I need to sleep... I hate finding things out... now the knowledge won't let me sleep... the knowledge, the implications, and the future it portents...

Then again, she allowed me to do the same, why can't I allow her? Also, I could be blowing things out of proportion. She could be paying 300 bucks just to meet with a guy over tea and cookies....

I don't mind what she's gonna do, even in the worst case scenario. What I mind is that she hides it from me...

Hope he doesn't mind getting kicked in bed, lol...

I can't believe....

... I would actually consider letting her lie to me and cheat on me so long as she'll stay with me afterwards...

...

Have I ever been enough for her? In all things.... comfort, desire, attention, love, protection, sex, adventure, excitement...

Am I missing something she needs?

Hmm...

Thought: I don't think it's that I don't like things hidden from me as it is that I don't like the intention of hiding things from me. Since if the intention is there, it shows distrust...

I've always said any kind of relationship, friends, business, lovers, whatever, needs 3 things: attention, communication, and trust.

Right now I get sketchy amounts of all 3 from her. Yet I have to hope it'll get better. But the fact that she doesn't reassure me scares me. Maybe she's with me because she can't be with who he wants? Maybe someone who lives too far?

She could eradicate those thoughts from my head if she desired, but she doesn't. Either she wants me to live in doubt, until I get tired and leave, or she likes seeing me like this.

But that first one brings an interesting point. Maybe she doesn't want to push me away, and is waiting for me to leave. But, if that was the case, all she has to do is ask. But she doesn't, if that were the case.

Hmm...

Sleepless...

Well, can't sleep. Loss is acting up, though not as bad as it should be, I think, considering that all I want, some reassurance and a show of desire, is denied to me yet again.

You know, it's almost funny that I've recently discovered a lot of things about her that she hides from me, yet none of them are things that would bother me overmuch, or deal breakers, so to say. Maybe she just needs privacy... dunno.

~sigh~

A long day...

At work, I began to fret about her going out. Insecurities kicked in. Still, I silenced them pretty effectively. But I didn't want to give them a chance to creep back up, so I decided to go out as well.

My first option cracked, couldn't go. So I started looking for someone. No one was available. So I sat to read a book my ex lent me while I thought of where to go. But then my best friend tells me she has to talk to me.

I meet up with her, and we talk. About my future and why have I chosen this one. I'm shaken. Yet I go to her who says she loves me for reassurance, and she spurns me, saying it's my problem who I believe, and how dare I go to her with this when she's trying to have fun.

We finish talking, and I apologize to my best friends' host for kidnapping her in the first place. I'd like to think I made a friend right then, but such things are born of time and trust. So we'll see.

His best friend, though, puzzles me, though not as much as he should. He felt uncomfortable by my presence, and doesn't trust me. I've earned it, but I still wonder what he sees...

Feels nice...

I went to her house on my lunch break. Reheated my food, and sat with her to watch CSI. It's nice to spend time with her, not just romantically, but just as friends. I think that could be one of the problems we had. We spent so much time romantically bound, we never were just friendly.

Hmm, theory: maybe the reason she feels suffocated is because she feels I want her romantically all the time. Maybe we never learned to be friends, so we didn't know any other way to be towards each other.

Maybe now, if we learn to be friends, we can switch between those two behavior sets as our needs dictate. So if she feels suffocated, we can just go to friends, and have fun, and when she needs me emotionally, we can shift to that and fulfill her needs in that aspect as well...

Hmm...

~sigh~

I'm here, at work, on my 15 minute break. I can't take her off my head. I wonder if she thinks of me too? And if she does, is it with revulsion, admiration, wariness? I don't know...

Yesterday was a very typical day of what I would expect from her as best friends. We spent the whole day together, having fun and smiling. Except for the event at the beach, which was a bit more than friends, it was all perfect.

But she says that I suffocate her sometimes. If she wanted to be with me as much as me with her, she wouldn't feel that way. So I should be careful I don't mess up again. Maybe I should distance myself again?

I need too much attention. Or, actually, I think it might be the opposite. I want to give her all the attention in the world. But she doesn't want it all, just a bit, it seems, or only sometimes. She doesn't want to be the center of my world...

That's odd. I thought girls liked that...

~sighs, slumping~ I don't know. I can tell she still struggles to say things, but she does, a lot more than before. It saddens her that I'm sad, and that's a good sign. Shows she cares and worries about me. But I don't know...

I keep making the same mistakes...

She texted me this morning, woke me up. It's wonderful when the last thing I think before sleep and the first thing I think after sleep is the same: her.

I got dressed for work, but got some chinese takeout and met her at her house. I ate while she picked at my fries and we watched "Rent". Nice movie. Would like to watch it from the beginning.

Then I made the mistake, asking her if I could go to the beach with her friends on tuesday. She refused. I thought she would, but it was worth a shot. Still saddens me, though.

I mean, everytime Clary told Simon to stay home in the Mortal Instruments trilogy, Simon felt left out, and sad or upset. So I'm justified on feeling the same, right? We are best friends, like them...

Are we? I don't know. Sometimes it feels like more, when we connect and our hearts take control. Sometimes like less, when she wakes up and stops me. She said she'd feel better if I wasn't there.

That hurts...

But if she wants space, I guess I'll have to let her have it. What's gonna happen later, though? I worry...

Does she really not love me anymore?

As I lie in bed...

I'm in my room, in my bed. Gauging today's events, I should be super-happy. But I'm not. I'm afraid I'll overvalue and crash again into her, showing different perspectives on the same event.

Yet I can't take her off my mind. I love her so much...

We were in the sleeping bag in her family room, and she was asleep next to me. Her mom tried to wake her up, but my baby's stubborn, and loves sleep, so she just batted her away.

I tried next, telling her that her mother was upset, that she should decide if we're going to the pub with her friends or not. She said she was gonna stay there and sleep. I then asked her if she wanted me to go.

She said she wanted me there.

Then I told her that her mom wasn't gonna let it happen. To which she replied, "we can try..." while looking for my hand and squeezing it. She didn't let go for the longest time.

Bummer...

Well, seems tonight, at least for us, is cancelled. She was really sleepy, probably because of our climbing and stuff, so she decided to just go to sleep and ignore her friends. She sent me off with a kiss in my lips, and a hug of comfort, and told me that she'd call me while she showered before bed, to make sure I was ok...

I was looking forward to meeting her friends, and hanging out with her, and showing her that all her fears were groundless. But, she said another time...

Yay!

Well, today's been awesome! Picked her up, went to college, talked, smiled, cuddled while we watched "Elsa and Fred" in spanish class. Then she left for her other class.

Then I was alone, and had a very dark moment with myself. But I remembered some of the things I had to learn, particularly trust and humility, and let go of the temptation. AWAY I TELL YOU!

Anyways, then she was out of class, and I took her for lunch (BK, ugh) and dessert (Los Chinitos ice cream, yay!). Then we went to the beach.

I took her to a corner of the northern beach, called Piñones. From there I took her through a little forest of beach plants, to a corner that I hadn't taken anyone to in over 4 years or so.

A clear spot of beach, surrounded by rocky cliffs that in high tide fill with water from the crashing waves, making a million tiny pools of reflected light, all of them skittering with life.  Unfortunately, it was low tide, so no pools. Plus, the strip of private beach was taken by two dudes.

My plans unraveling! What to do? Well, we did a little rock climbing, and took her to another piece of beach that I hadn't discovered before. Sheer cliff on one side, rocky climb on the other, pretty steep, and two giant rocks in the middle, one on the sand near the cliff and another in the water very close to the waterline.

We climbed into it, soft golden sand splashing out as I did the final jump. Swallowed my feet almost halfway to the knees! Then I helped her down, and we surveyed our discovery.

The corner with the cliff and the rock made a humongous spot of shade at that time (3pm or so), so we decided to sit and cuddle, listening to the waves. We weren't gonna get in the water because she had a work meeting at 4, and the climbing and drive would take about 45 minutes.

But then, as we sat, she kissed me, and we kissed, deeply, for a few minutes while our bodies struggled to remember our positions, her sitting on my lap. Then I leaned back, cradling her in my arms.

We talked about ourselves, possible futures, or lack thereof. I was getting sad fast, because she had mentioned in college that she didn't feel the same explosion she used to feel when we kissed. We were both afraid of that...

Well, things happened, and we ended up skinny dipping to wash ourselves... ^_^

Then we got dressed, and quickly began to get back. By the time we were finished, it was still 4, and we were still in the beach! We got back to the car, and sped to her meeting, only stopping to buy 4 water bottles. PR sun at it's worst!

We got there, and I get the impression that her friends made fun of us, wondering where we were. We arrived at 5! She reported, saying we blew a tire, and that's what took so long. ^_^

Then we went to her grandma's house, to get her new phone, and then back to her house, where I took a shower and am now here, in the floor, on a sleeping bag, with her laying by my side, barely awake. Tonight we're going out with her friends.

I hope everything turns out ok...

Well...

Let's see what happens today, hmm?

Renewed Purpose

This feels... strangely invigorating. I bought a trimmer to keep my scraggly beard in check, sticky nose strip thingies (her name, not mine) to clean my nose, and vitamins, since I haven't been eating regularly.

They are Flinstones Chewables with Immunity Support.

Also, I washed my face with soap, even behind the ears where moms always nag. I feel dedicated to a goal, like getting ready to battle. I haven't felt like this since almost two years ago, when I first met her.

I will show her that I'm worth it.

Still, even though I washed, I can't reach my back. She was the one who used to wash it...

Also...

... I must learn perspective. Today I almost ruined everything again because I saw things differently from what they were. I gave a lot of importance to something that wasn't so important, and it caused us to be on different pages. When she corrected me, my heart plummeted.

Also, I must learn humility. Who am I to control everything around me. At the risk of sounding cheesy, I have to learn to be a smooth reed, swaying with the flow of fate's breath, than try to fight it at every turn...