Sunday, February 15, 2009
Hey... I know that you wanted some time away from me to think, and I want to give it to you. But now that I don't spend as much time talking to you as I'd like, I find myself with a lot of bottled up feelings that I want to say.
Right now I feel a mix of hope and despair. I hope that you find me in your heart, deep down where I used to be. I hope that things go back to the way they were, if not to how it started, to where it steadied, which in many ways was better, if not flashier, was more stable. More fitting a future together. But I also despair. I'm afraid that you'll find your heart whole, missing nothing, and thus, will forget me.
Yet still, I hope. You apparently still like to kiss me, and seem to feel something from it, even if you don't know what. You asked me for my shirt to wear tonight, so you seem to still derive comfort from my perceived presence. You cooked for me, though whether as payment for my passing the trimmer or for the pleasure of pleasing me I don't know. I know I mowed the lawn just so I could be with you, and get your mother off your back. ^_^
Yet I cry. My tears flow endlessly, if not in my eyes, in my heart. My shower was not one of pleasure, because I drown in my tears. They fill up the tub, my only companion in my sadness. I'm not letting anyone else near me. Not even her, whom I'm sure would comfort me, if not for her friendship for her other feelings... But that's probably why I avoid her. I don't want her tainted sympathy, or anyone's sympathy.
It's funny how when people go through the situation of losing a girlfriend, people always hear the same words. "There are more of them out there." Isn't it obvious that if I wanted any of the others I wouldn't be crying? Thus, if I cry, it's because I don't care for the others, only for the focus of my attention, my love, you.
I thought that, as a goodbye, I should write some story, of lost romance, yet hope for the future. Maybe that way you'd see how I felt, and maybe understand. I also thought I should try charming you into my arms again. I even went as far as shaving my face. *laughs* But then i thought that maybe that was my first mistake, charming you that Christmas so long ago into being with me instead of letting you decide for yourself. Maybe all this has been a lie stemming from that bad decision in my part. Who knows.
But alas, my muse escapes me. She doesn't want to talk to me. In fact she's reading this now, thinking of me by extension, and wondering if she should take back the pitiful fool of a boyfriend she used to have. Or if he should just be her "best friend". The death sentence.
I still don't understand. How can you not understand what you feel when you kiss someone? I feel rose petals, for instance. Rose petals and honey. Your skin is soft, and the happiness that brims in my heart when you kiss me is sweet. Or the jolt that courses through my skin, lighting every neuron on the way to my brain every time you touch me, making me acutely aware if every contact point between you and me.
The soft chiming of bells that is your laughter... How can I keep myself from tickling you, with such a beautiful sound filling my ears? It reminds me of late nights in my car, at "work meetings", yet listening to music on your iPod. Or was it my iPod? i don't know and I don't care, that wasn't the important part. The important part was the touch of your skin, the scent in your hair, the taste of your lips, which graced me for almost a year and a half, if I count the stolen time at the beginning...
But it seems it's over, though hope still shimmers faintly in my heart. The glimmer in my tears is stronger, for they are much more abundant, but it's still there, holding my heart together, patching the hole your absence leaves... Looking out and praying you'll be back to fill it, and thus me, with the life that filled me when we were together...
I love you, and I always will.
I know I said I didn't believe in breaks, but like I also told you, I'm tired. I'm tired of the stupid dance humans dance to find a mate. Right now I had a future planned out, with my studies, my work, my love... Now I lost one of the cornerstones in my plan, And it may fall on that side. I'll just go on, even if those two have to drag the rest of me through.
If you want time, take the time. As long as you don't lie to me, my world is yours. And when you know what it is in your heart, let me know. Whether you heal my heart, or shatter it forever, I don't care.
The promise of hearing your voice one more time will keep me going until the end of time itself.