I ran as fast i could as soon as i realized. I usually kept a thread of my life attached to hers, so as to always know how she feels and that she's safe, but this time, i had been tired, and couldn't afford to have my essence spread so thin. But now, i ran, putting the entirety of my divine energy in my strides, in my leaps, as i ran over the city, back home to my beloved.
My desire arrived before i did, my soul manifesting itself as a soothing calm that enveloped her minutes before i arrived. It was as if my spirit had raced ahead to her and now my body was running to catch up. She laid in our bed, her brow damp with sweat. She was feverish, i didn't need to touch her to know this.
I perceived the entirety of the house with my essence as it diffused to encompass her surroundings. I could feel the taint of disease in the jagged shards of pottery on which she cut herself, and from it's positioning could tell that it had fallen from the kitchen table, smashing itself against the floor. Knowing her, she probably heard it break, and went to pick it up, when she accidentally cut herself.
My body was coming inside the door, and i rejoined it, concentrating all my power once again. I sprinted to her side, grabbing her hand in mine. She was unconscious, mumbling to herself as her body fought it's invaders. I caressed her cheeks, placing a soft kiss on her lips as i did so.
I then cupped my hands together, pooling the essence of my spirit in the space between them. It looked like a silvery liquid, shimmering as if thousands of stars twinkled in it's depths. It would take me years to recover myself from this, but they would be empty years if i lost her.
I placed my hands to her lips, letting a shard of my divinity pour down into her lips. I could feel myself weakening from the expenditure as i felt her strengthen. Her body's natural processes increased to preternatural heights, scouring the infection from her body. I could see her sweat congeal a dark fluid as her body ejected the sickness, and then purified it with it's newfound powers.
After only a few seconds, she opened her eyes, just in time to see me stagger and drop to my knees besides her. Her concern was obvious on her face, more for me than for herself, even though she had been on the brink of death.
I smiled at this, at her love as it radiated from her, litterally shining forth from her with her innate spirit, reinforced as it was now with mine. Showing me beyond any doubt that the choice i had made was the right one.
This was the woman i wanted to spend my life with for the rest of eternity.
Monday, December 07, 2009
I ran as fast i could as soon as i realized. I usually kept a thread of my life attached to hers, so as to always know how she feels and that she's safe, but this time, i had been tired, and couldn't afford to have my essence spread so thin. But now, i ran, putting the entirety of my divine energy in my strides, in my leaps, as i ran over the city, back home to my beloved.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Today in the line to get lunch at work, I was listening to music on my phone, and suddenly a recording comes up. When I raise the volume to identify what is it, it's my baby singing ~The Greatest Love~, by Whitney Houston.
My eyes water up immediately. I was so stupid to lose her. I remember sometimes that she would sing and I would actually get upset, because she wouldn't let me listen to the song by itself... now her voice is music itself, no matter what's coming from her lips...
I miss her so much, but I have to be strong. For myself, and if there will ever be a future us, which I hope, I must still be here...
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 12:50
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Well, today changes my perspective on many things. We'll see what the future holds. But I'll miss her. I wish we could at least keep playing WoW together... if just so we're still marginally connected by a very flimsy thread instead of entirely separate.
Not that it changes anything. I was asked today if my love was big enough to understand, and live through, this moment, more for her than for us. And yes, it is. So I'll wait. Not forever, but I will.
Anything less would not be true to the very strong emotional bond I feel for her... the love I feel for her...
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 18:26
Monday, October 12, 2009
Yet in the deepest darkness, there is always light. As I stand in emptiness, a shooting star passes by. Her brilliant light dazzles me and my surroundings, staying long enough to show me that the world doesn't have to be a dark dreary place.
Yet she moves on, towards her true love. The fact that she leaves sinks me into further despair. But what would have been better, to have known her, if only for an instant, or to not have seen her at all?
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 22:45
The emptiness consumes me as I await something that will never come, something for which I would give my whole life. Even now, here, surrounded by so many people, I feel loneliness devour my heart, leaving a void that in turn devours everything. Nothing can silence it's hunger, and the piece that fits over it is forever out of my reach.
Is there something I didn't give you? Is there something you want from me? Just mention it and it's yours. But please, return my life. To it's halcyon days, to it's times of simple bliss and love everlasting...
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 18:38
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
Well, that's that. Now I have to try my best and learn from this experience before the next one.
It hurts like hell, but then again, I've been feeling this pain for months now. We were together only in name,because, although we do love each other, she doesn't trust me, or talk with me...
Love isn't enough. They should fix all those stray fairy tales before people keep getting hurt.
Still, like the adage says,
"If you love it let it go.
If it's yours it'll come back.
If it doesn't then it never was."
I hope she'll at least say hi and not ignore me if we run into each other at college or something...
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 01:10
Sunday, August 30, 2009
I just spoke with you. And after all the walking i did, i'm gonna take a shower while you take your bath. I miss you terribly... my father said that i should look into the prices of the cabins and places around here so i could come with you. And i thought of all the things we could do, the places we could see...
I feel alone without you. But like you said, the awkwardness that pervades us now makes me feel alone when i'm with you sometimes as well.
So many questions you don't know the answer to... it's scary, you know? To be in such an uncertain relationship, where you don't even know if you want to talk to me or not... but i have hope, and faith, that you do, even if you don't know it.
I fought you once for us... now i have to fight myself.
I love you. Hope you enjoy that bath, and remember the way my hands feel on your skin when i wash you on those rare occasions we get to bathe together. Would you like to feel that now?
If you do, then it's gonna be all right.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Well, now I have to manage work again. I think I can deal with it. Then we have my love, whom I think will be wonderful. The car I'll try to manage tomorrow. Things are better with dad already after yesterday's mechanics session.
My only concern is my baby. I hope she gets better...
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 13:51
Monday, August 10, 2009
I want you to give of yourself to make me happy, the way I do.
I want to see your feelings, bare and raw.
I want to know how you feel, and what you feel, about everything.
I want to be together with you, not as a separate person, but as a couple, together in everything.
I want you to give me a daughter, with your eyes and hair.
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 18:09
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
I wake up to the soft music of my cellphone's alarm. I reach my arm from around my love to the phone to turn it off before she wakes. It's 4:30 am. Time for me to wake up.
I get up before she does, so I get first dibs at the shower. But I decide to surprise her this time. I go to the kitchen, and start working on breakfast. Eggs with bacon and toast. I add the bacon to the eggs crumbled, just as she likes it.
Once done, I go back upstairs and gently lift her from the bed. She snuggles up to me even while asleep, and it is my gentle yet insistent kissing of her lips which wakes her up. By this time I'm already lowering her into the warm water I had prepared in the tub, so she has a moment of panic as she feels herself sinking.
Yet as she realizes what's going on, she soothingly allows the water to caress her body. I pick up the sponge and soap, and start to slowly bathe her. She relaxes and allows me to do as I wish, gently scrubbing away the sweat from last night.
In our post-passion exhaustion, we fell asleep as we lay besides each other. And I fix that now, bathing her with all the gentleness I would a newborn. This brings my mind into other avenues, and a smile splits my face.
By this time she's awake, smiling as well. She enjoys my attentions, and with a gentle pull brings me inside the tub with her. She stands up, and does the same for me, washing my body with the same tenderness and care.
We both rinse each other, and go to the room to pick clothes and dress. It's a long day for us, a Wednesday, which means both class and work. But we've done it before. What was once such agony is much more bearable now that we have our own place. Even though it's more, and harder work, the fact that at the end of the day we will be together again lifts my spirits and makes me soar over any problems the day might bring me.
We dress, get our things, and go to college. As always, the happiness and love we feel for each other makes everything ok. I drive, with her snuggled against my arm, catching a fewmore minutes of sleep while we get there. I'm still amazed at how much the woman sleeps. But I can't really complain. She sleeps with me, and she's so beautiful when she does...
We arrive at college, taking our classes. We stick together, help each other, and focus. It's our last trimester, giving us both the final classes as well as the excitement of knowing we're almost done. But we reign in our dreams, and give it our all. After all, we've waited two years for it. What's another 2 months?
We get out of class and she drives us out to lunch. Ever since she started working she insists on paying for everytime we eat out, as if paying back for all the times I paid while she didn't have a job. I admire her determination, the way she holds on to herself and hates freeloading.
We eat at a fancy place, where she does her usual mix of cheesy macarroni with apple sauce and other weird stuff. It's always amused me how much she loves that, like a little kid. I look at her and can't help but love her. I take just some bread and wait for the main course.
My ribs arrive, and she takes her bacon cheeseburger. We eat in earnest, sharing strategies about games, ideas for our projects, and commentary about our jobs. It's the one time we don't spend together, and our anecdotes about things that happen are usually humorous, so again she smiles, lighting my world.
She drops me off at work, and leaves. Work is entertaining, but dull. Without her presence, all colors seem to go down a few shades in intensity, and the world just seems bleaker, colder. Her text messages spread during the day are like sharp ink blots, brightening my life for abit before the weight of banality pushes in again.
And she picks me up, and we go home, where I cook dinner, and we eat it, snuggled in the couch while we watch anime. Or play games. Then it's bed time, where our bodies entwine and our souls whisper to each other of ourwish to have a baby, and the promise for our future.
Exhausted, I wander into sleep, our whisperings of love still in my ears as my consciousness fades.
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 22:46
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Hey guys. I'm posting here because my baby mentioned that i haven't posted lately. First, that means she's been checking up on me, which is sweet. Secong, it states that she cares about me writing, which is doubly sweet.
I explained to her that the reason for my blog use these past times was because I "spoke" to it when i couldn't speak with her; be it because she was inaccessible or otherwise unavailable. Now that the relationship is in such a good state, i don't need it anymore, because i am at much more liberty to speak to her.
Baby, I love you.
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 17:05
Monday, May 04, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Well, work was ok... saw her at lunch. I bought a Wii game for us to play together, but I messed up, and bought a shooter. She doesn't like shooters...
I felt that she trusted me more then. She didn't hide her computer like she usually does. Though she ignored me by it, seeming to prefer it to me... oh well, baby steps...
After that, back to work. I arranged to work thursday, which is usually my day off, so I could be all friday with her, but I'm afraid she's gonna cancel on me. Dunno why... just a premonition, I guess.
Then I went home to sleep. She ignored my messages, and other chances at contact, and I know she was awake. Am I starting to suffocate her again? I better keep some distance, just in case...
Now I'm in the car, waiting for her to go to college. ~sigh~ I miss her...
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 06:08
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Well. This week's been a doozy. I'm sorry I haven't posted, but it's just been so good I haven't had the time!
Monday was fantastic. We decided we needed some "us" time after all that happened, and so we stayed in the house. Made love, wonderful passion. She showed everything she had bottled up, obvious in it's intensity.
Then we watched the last X-Japan concert. She's a huge fan, and I think she might just make me one too. The songs are very good! What I saw, anyways. I was real sleepy and kept dozing in and out. Being close to her is so comfortable, and I hasd missed it so much...
Then we tussled in bed again, and we took a shower. We washed each other with all the tenderness we felt. Then she dressed up for a job interview, and I dropped her off at a friend's house, since it was a bunch of them going to the airport to look for a job.
I went to my job, where I spent an ok day. At lunch I saw her for a few minutes, and then back to work.
On tuesday we went to class, happy and together. I helped her with a videogame project she's doing for her videogame design class, then we left for our doctor, since we're both feeling not very good.
Doc gave us pills, and set us on our way. Having a medical excuse, I skipped work, and stayed with her. We went to Wal-Mart to leave the prescriptions, and went to Borders to read some while they were ready.
At all times we were happy and together, all wonderful smiles and hugs and closeness, an intimacy that no one could break. I told her that this time, since she's the one who's not sure if she's ready, she's the one who will ask me to be hers, and that she will get me flowers, too! She laughed, but I dunno if she'll do it.
We got the medicines, and went to her house. I suggested to both her and her mother an idea i'd had, to make a little excursion to the Mayaguez Zoo, with their family. They both seemed to like it, and her mother began to look up information on it.
After that we played a few classic games that I bought in the Wii. Because of the medicines, she fell asleep in the couch behind me. After a while, her mother started to make fun of her, and when she started snoring, we woke her up. I went home, and we both slept until the next day.
Today wednesday, we went to college, but we fell asleep in the car, and woke up one hour late. We didn't want to go in, so we went back to her house, and slept and cuddled until I had to go to work, where I am now.
It's all been great, but I'm still a bit scared. I've messed up once so far, when I bit her too hard in class. She did seem upset then, though it passed. Now I'm juggling things to be able to go with her and her friends to the beach, if she goes, on friday.
But she doesn't want me to go with her to Waiters, a pub near here, tonight, because a friend of hers who dislikes me is going, and she doesn't want any trouble. I don't understand why he dislikes me, he's never met me, and why is he more important to her than I am...
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 16:09
Monday, April 27, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
I need to sleep... I hate finding things out... now the knowledge won't let me sleep... the knowledge, the implications, and the future it portents...
Then again, she allowed me to do the same, why can't I allow her? Also, I could be blowing things out of proportion. She could be paying 300 bucks just to meet with a guy over tea and cookies....
I don't mind what she's gonna do, even in the worst case scenario. What I mind is that she hides it from me...
Hope he doesn't mind getting kicked in bed, lol...
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 05:57
Thought: I don't think it's that I don't like things hidden from me as it is that I don't like the intention of hiding things from me. Since if the intention is there, it shows distrust...
I've always said any kind of relationship, friends, business, lovers, whatever, needs 3 things: attention, communication, and trust.
Right now I get sketchy amounts of all 3 from her. Yet I have to hope it'll get better. But the fact that she doesn't reassure me scares me. Maybe she's with me because she can't be with who he wants? Maybe someone who lives too far?
She could eradicate those thoughts from my head if she desired, but she doesn't. Either she wants me to live in doubt, until I get tired and leave, or she likes seeing me like this.
But that first one brings an interesting point. Maybe she doesn't want to push me away, and is waiting for me to leave. But, if that was the case, all she has to do is ask. But she doesn't, if that were the case.
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 05:10
Well, can't sleep. Loss is acting up, though not as bad as it should be, I think, considering that all I want, some reassurance and a show of desire, is denied to me yet again.
You know, it's almost funny that I've recently discovered a lot of things about her that she hides from me, yet none of them are things that would bother me overmuch, or deal breakers, so to say. Maybe she just needs privacy... dunno.
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 05:02
At work, I began to fret about her going out. Insecurities kicked in. Still, I silenced them pretty effectively. But I didn't want to give them a chance to creep back up, so I decided to go out as well.
My first option cracked, couldn't go. So I started looking for someone. No one was available. So I sat to read a book my ex lent me while I thought of where to go. But then my best friend tells me she has to talk to me.
I meet up with her, and we talk. About my future and why have I chosen this one. I'm shaken. Yet I go to her who says she loves me for reassurance, and she spurns me, saying it's my problem who I believe, and how dare I go to her with this when she's trying to have fun.
We finish talking, and I apologize to my best friends' host for kidnapping her in the first place. I'd like to think I made a friend right then, but such things are born of time and trust. So we'll see.
His best friend, though, puzzles me, though not as much as he should. He felt uncomfortable by my presence, and doesn't trust me. I've earned it, but I still wonder what he sees...
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 04:03
Friday, April 24, 2009
I went to her house on my lunch break. Reheated my food, and sat with her to watch CSI. It's nice to spend time with her, not just romantically, but just as friends. I think that could be one of the problems we had. We spent so much time romantically bound, we never were just friendly.
Hmm, theory: maybe the reason she feels suffocated is because she feels I want her romantically all the time. Maybe we never learned to be friends, so we didn't know any other way to be towards each other.
Maybe now, if we learn to be friends, we can switch between those two behavior sets as our needs dictate. So if she feels suffocated, we can just go to friends, and have fun, and when she needs me emotionally, we can shift to that and fulfill her needs in that aspect as well...
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 18:58
I'm here, at work, on my 15 minute break. I can't take her off my head. I wonder if she thinks of me too? And if she does, is it with revulsion, admiration, wariness? I don't know...
Yesterday was a very typical day of what I would expect from her as best friends. We spent the whole day together, having fun and smiling. Except for the event at the beach, which was a bit more than friends, it was all perfect.
But she says that I suffocate her sometimes. If she wanted to be with me as much as me with her, she wouldn't feel that way. So I should be careful I don't mess up again. Maybe I should distance myself again?
I need too much attention. Or, actually, I think it might be the opposite. I want to give her all the attention in the world. But she doesn't want it all, just a bit, it seems, or only sometimes. She doesn't want to be the center of my world...
That's odd. I thought girls liked that...
~sighs, slumping~ I don't know. I can tell she still struggles to say things, but she does, a lot more than before. It saddens her that I'm sad, and that's a good sign. Shows she cares and worries about me. But I don't know...
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 16:14
She texted me this morning, woke me up. It's wonderful when the last thing I think before sleep and the first thing I think after sleep is the same: her.
I got dressed for work, but got some chinese takeout and met her at her house. I ate while she picked at my fries and we watched "Rent". Nice movie. Would like to watch it from the beginning.
Then I made the mistake, asking her if I could go to the beach with her friends on tuesday. She refused. I thought she would, but it was worth a shot. Still saddens me, though.
I mean, everytime Clary told Simon to stay home in the Mortal Instruments trilogy, Simon felt left out, and sad or upset. So I'm justified on feeling the same, right? We are best friends, like them...
Are we? I don't know. Sometimes it feels like more, when we connect and our hearts take control. Sometimes like less, when she wakes up and stops me. She said she'd feel better if I wasn't there.
But if she wants space, I guess I'll have to let her have it. What's gonna happen later, though? I worry...
Does she really not love me anymore?
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 15:23
I'm in my room, in my bed. Gauging today's events, I should be super-happy. But I'm not. I'm afraid I'll overvalue and crash again into her, showing different perspectives on the same event.
Yet I can't take her off my mind. I love her so much...
We were in the sleeping bag in her family room, and she was asleep next to me. Her mom tried to wake her up, but my baby's stubborn, and loves sleep, so she just batted her away.
I tried next, telling her that her mother was upset, that she should decide if we're going to the pub with her friends or not. She said she was gonna stay there and sleep. I then asked her if she wanted me to go.
She said she wanted me there.
Then I told her that her mom wasn't gonna let it happen. To which she replied, "we can try..." while looking for my hand and squeezing it. She didn't let go for the longest time.
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 03:07
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Well, seems tonight, at least for us, is cancelled. She was really sleepy, probably because of our climbing and stuff, so she decided to just go to sleep and ignore her friends. She sent me off with a kiss in my lips, and a hug of comfort, and told me that she'd call me while she showered before bed, to make sure I was ok...
I was looking forward to meeting her friends, and hanging out with her, and showing her that all her fears were groundless. But, she said another time...
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 23:32
Well, today's been awesome! Picked her up, went to college, talked, smiled, cuddled while we watched "Elsa and Fred" in spanish class. Then she left for her other class.
Then I was alone, and had a very dark moment with myself. But I remembered some of the things I had to learn, particularly trust and humility, and let go of the temptation. AWAY I TELL YOU!
Anyways, then she was out of class, and I took her for lunch (BK, ugh) and dessert (Los Chinitos ice cream, yay!). Then we went to the beach.
I took her to a corner of the northern beach, called Piñones. From there I took her through a little forest of beach plants, to a corner that I hadn't taken anyone to in over 4 years or so.
A clear spot of beach, surrounded by rocky cliffs that in high tide fill with water from the crashing waves, making a million tiny pools of reflected light, all of them skittering with life. Unfortunately, it was low tide, so no pools. Plus, the strip of private beach was taken by two dudes.
My plans unraveling! What to do? Well, we did a little rock climbing, and took her to another piece of beach that I hadn't discovered before. Sheer cliff on one side, rocky climb on the other, pretty steep, and two giant rocks in the middle, one on the sand near the cliff and another in the water very close to the waterline.
We climbed into it, soft golden sand splashing out as I did the final jump. Swallowed my feet almost halfway to the knees! Then I helped her down, and we surveyed our discovery.
The corner with the cliff and the rock made a humongous spot of shade at that time (3pm or so), so we decided to sit and cuddle, listening to the waves. We weren't gonna get in the water because she had a work meeting at 4, and the climbing and drive would take about 45 minutes.
But then, as we sat, she kissed me, and we kissed, deeply, for a few minutes while our bodies struggled to remember our positions, her sitting on my lap. Then I leaned back, cradling her in my arms.
We talked about ourselves, possible futures, or lack thereof. I was getting sad fast, because she had mentioned in college that she didn't feel the same explosion she used to feel when we kissed. We were both afraid of that...
Well, things happened, and we ended up skinny dipping to wash ourselves... ^_^
Then we got dressed, and quickly began to get back. By the time we were finished, it was still 4, and we were still in the beach! We got back to the car, and sped to her meeting, only stopping to buy 4 water bottles. PR sun at it's worst!
We got there, and I get the impression that her friends made fun of us, wondering where we were. We arrived at 5! She reported, saying we blew a tire, and that's what took so long. ^_^
Then we went to her grandma's house, to get her new phone, and then back to her house, where I took a shower and am now here, in the floor, on a sleeping bag, with her laying by my side, barely awake. Tonight we're going out with her friends.
I hope everything turns out ok...
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 21:18
This feels... strangely invigorating. I bought a trimmer to keep my scraggly beard in check, sticky nose strip thingies (her name, not mine) to clean my nose, and vitamins, since I haven't been eating regularly.
They are Flinstones Chewables with Immunity Support.
Also, I washed my face with soap, even behind the ears where moms always nag. I feel dedicated to a goal, like getting ready to battle. I haven't felt like this since almost two years ago, when I first met her.
I will show her that I'm worth it.
Still, even though I washed, I can't reach my back. She was the one who used to wash it...
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 00:04
... I must learn perspective. Today I almost ruined everything again because I saw things differently from what they were. I gave a lot of importance to something that wasn't so important, and it caused us to be on different pages. When she corrected me, my heart plummeted.
Also, I must learn humility. Who am I to control everything around me. At the risk of sounding cheesy, I have to learn to be a smooth reed, swaying with the flow of fate's breath, than try to fight it at every turn...
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 00:01
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
… patience. I have to learn to relax, and let things come to pass. But I'm a control freak; I don't like things that behave unexpectedly. That's why I put so much effort in understanding people, so they don't surprise me.
I think, in a weird way, this stems from my fear of death. I hate the idea that I can't control my own destiny. I hate feeling helpless...
And right now that is what I am. I submit to her, and must accept whatever fate decrees. It puts the fear in me like nothing else. But I will persevere, for my love for her.
Similarly, I need to let things be. Not try to change them, influence them. Let what may come, come. But what if what comes is my own demise?
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 22:50
Well, today was an interesting day. She woke me up, sleepy herself, and hung up with a "Te amo". then I went to the meeting point and waited for her. We got to college, and we talked.
We talked about some things I wasn't supposed to know, but did, and how she didn't hide them when faced by them. The one question I wanted to ask her I didn't dare, though.
After that we went to english class, where she let me be as close as I wanted, so I rested my face against her arm. It was nice. Then I stood up in class and spoke of a piece of memory I wrote long ago which still seems to fit.
After class neither of us wanted to deal with el calvo mamao, so we left college. We took a tour of some houses she needed to count, and then went to borders.
There I pushed my point as hard as I could, and I still don't know why she allowed it, but she did. Maybe I convinced her. Now I know that not so much. Still, she agreed to trust me and try this. Now I'm in the game.
Just still at the bottom.
We ran into some of her coworkers at Taco Bell, and she allowed me to tag along. She said she wanted me to stay, so I did. That made me feel great. I thought I was getting somewhere.
I dreamed and thought and texted her during work, and bled happiness through my pores! Then went to her house at lunch, and finished her Exalted character. Then I had to go.
We spoke some more, and though I get thursday afternoons, her friends get her at midnight. It feels like Cinderella, except the actual fun starts at midnight, when I get summarily kicked out.
Still, I get to be with her, so I feel awesome during the day. I have some plans for tomorrow that should be interesting, I hope. hope she doesn't find me dull and boring.
Which brings another point. I'm gonna try to spice things up for myself... and for her, for my world still spins around her. I'll see what I can come up with.
I feel like we agreed to be "Friends". Now actual courtship starts, ~laughs~. I don't know, though. I think she regrets it. She pulled back solidly when I left for work, and said I was pushing, which I guess I was. I hope time can smooth things out.
Still, I love her with all my heart, and I won't let her down.
Hopefully, time will ease things...
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 19:44
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
I think I understand what hurts so much. I used to be her world, as she is mine. But not anymore. Now, I'm not crucial to her happiness like I once was. Now, she can leave without me for wherever she wants, alone or with others, and be happy. I feel unnecessary, maybe unwanted, though I recognize it's not the same thing.
She doesn't miss me anymore. Or need me anymore. And that's what hurts. And it's my fault. I killed it myself, and I can even identify the moments where it died, little by little. I need to rebuild that. That desire to be with me. That passion. But how?
I don't know...
It's not something you produce; it must grow organically from being together. ~sigh~ I think it's time that I start to think of my retreat. There's no way I can do this without her, and she doesn't care either way, it seems.
If we were both trying to rebuild this, it would work. But as it stands, I have to reignite the spark within her, without her help, or even desire. That's awfully close to forcing, and I always said I wouldn't force anyone to be with me. But she says she wants to, and I can feel she does.
I feel vestiges, remnants of what once was. Today I went to her house, and we talked about Exalted. She leaned her head on my arm in a few occasions, which was interesting. But the big surprise came when we I was gonna leave.
She was talking to her uncle in the phone, and standing in front of me, while I was leaning on my car. After a few seconds, she leaned on me, resting all her body on mine, and nuzzling my neck. Then, ever so softly, she kissed my neck. Gently, as if kissing a sleeping baby.
After a while, she realized, and bounced off me, sheepish look in her face. When she hung up, she apologized, as if it troubled me. It didn't, at all, and I told her so. I told her that I could tell she was comfortable there, so I wouldn't deny her what comforts she could still derive from me.
That's what I have. A hopeful connection. I'll work with it. But I won't wait forever. I'll give it until her birthday. If by then things aren't much better, I'll just disappear. No sense in hurting the both of us, or worse, waiting for her to hurt me when she finds someone else...
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 21:10
I'm happy. Things seem to be ok, friendwise, between us. Seems I pissed off a lot of people with my stupidity last thursday, but with time I can smooth that out. She seems to defend her friendship, which makes me hopeful. We'll see.
The chemistry is there, which is what startled me the most. Our fingers played like they did when we were starting off, and we still bump our heads and our noses like we used to... it's wonderful. But I have to try and not suffocate her.
And to that end, I will let her reach for me when she wishes. She seems to prefer to spend her time with her friends, so I won't touch that. I'll just be there at college, as normal, and if she calls me outside. Otherwise I'll stick to myself. I'll try to do one thing a week with her. Just one, so she doesn't forget me.
I paid for breakfast, she paid for lunch. Either time, nausea didn't let me eat. But then at work, I was famished and ate as usual. Does she make me so nervous that I can't eat? Maybe...
Sad, isn't it?
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 16:57
Had some stupid story to summarize in spanish class. Absurd.
Been talking with her today, and things seem to be ok. She's distant, in an expected way, but in others she's allowed us to be closer than I would've thought. She's talking, though, so that's awesome.
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 09:17
I woke up, if two hours of sleep could be considered "sleep". I was so nervous I couldn't stop fidgeting. I had nightmares as well. In all of them she was with someone else. In one she wanted my seed, but to raise the baby with her new partner because I was "unreliable" and "random". Is that true?
I unlinked this blog from my facebook profile today, because I think what I've been posting here's a bit too personal for all the idiots on Facebook. Anyone who knows my blog address and still checks it even after the ages-long silence in it still cares, apparently, so they can see it.
~sighs deeply, concern etched in his features~ I hope this hope isn't false hope. Loss is waking up...
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 05:11
Monday, April 20, 2009
... but I don't understand why... she did say she loved me, but that doesn't mean she'll treat me like she does... am I so "living on hope" that that was enough to take the pain of loss away? The apparent promise that we can be in each other's lives, even if just as friends?
Well, no. I can feel an echo of the pain... you know, it's been such a close friend these last few days, I will name it. I will name it Loss.
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 23:46
She said that there's been a shady guy around where she lives outside, and that her mom said that she shouldn't go out... I don't know why I'm surprised...
I have to trust her, but I can't help but feel that she's keeping something from me... I don't know... if she loves someone else, she should just tell me and not let me get my hopes up. It's my only suspicion, because it's the only thing I can think that she wouldn't tell me; her feelings...
I'll just take advantage of the peace and start dealing with everything she owes me, and get that out of the way, just in case I have to leave...
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 23:23
Well, things seem to be going to be ok, at least friendship wise, and at least in writing. We'll see how different are actions from words tomorrow.
Also, she asked me what a best friend was, and I liked my definition, so I'll set it here too. ^_^
Go out, spend time together, talk about each other's lives, go for ice cream, and usually stick together a lot. Someone who doesn't keep secrets, because they enjoy each other's company. Someone who won't hurt you. Be there when the other one needs you, no questions asked. Lend a shoulder to cry on, and advice, even if I don't want to hear it, because a best friend isn't there to tell you what you want to hear; but what's best for you. Someone who cares for you almost over himself. That's what a best friend is to me. That's what I am when I am a best friend.
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 21:53
It's amazing how fear and hope fight over my mouth. After some chatting, I ask her if I can see her tonight. I'm totally afraid she will refuse me, but I hope she won't. I need to see her. In controlled conditions, before class and normalcy try to consume me again.
She said she would! Well, she said she'd try and stay awake, so I don't know if I will see her. I hope I can.
She says she wants us to be best friends, but I sort of feel like an acquaintance, watching a life that isn't my own through dirty glasses. I'm not a part of her life anymore, and probably never will. I just hope I can be there for her in every way she needs...
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 20:46
Talked to her for a bit, text messaging only, though. Seems she's sick. I wish I could help her, but I don't think it would be welcome even if I could, so I'll stay quiet. Tried to send her a text message, but my phone won't let it go.
I wonder what tomorrow's gonna be like...
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 18:55
Sunday, April 19, 2009
You know, it's strange... i just arrived at my house, after not seeing or hearing anything from her in the past 2 days, and I don't know what to do. i know people have told me I need to move on, but if the heart's meant to have an on/off switch, I fail to find it.
I sit in my room, in my chair, and even in this lonely room she surrounds me. My bookshelf, which she organized, reminds me how much she loved me; enough to fix all that while I looked and did barely anything. I look at my bed, and all the time we shared in it, both excited and restful. I look at my desk, and I can see her silhouette, playing World of Warcraft on her laptop with me, asking me what instance we're gonna run next...
The truth is, she left. I was trying my best to fix everything, but apparently someone else gave her what I couldn't, and she left for greener pastures, as they say. Now these have started to rot, to wither and die, without her light.
I wish for many things... But foremost among them is that someday, she'll know how much i love her. Because I still do. Like a song says:
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 01:35
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Dying is easy. It's living that's hard. To live with the consequences of your actions; to face them, and say, not to anyone else, but to yourself: "This is my doing." That is hard. Death would be merciful, stripping the pain and tears from my flesh. Death would be merciful, tearing the memory of her smile from my mind. Taking the pain and solitude of my loneliness from my hands. Taking my eyes so I don't have to see hers, sparing me their pain, pain that I cause.
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 23:46
Monday, February 16, 2009
A test of
Machiavellianism is, according to the OED, "the employment of cunning and duplicity in statecraft or in general conduct", deriving from the Renaissance diplomat and writer Niccolò Machiavelli, who wrote IlundefinedPrincipe (TheundefinedPrince) and other works. Machiavellian and variants became very popular in the late 16th century in English, though "Machiavellianism" itself is first cited by the OED from 1626. The word has a similar use in modernpsychology.
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 23:59
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 20:39
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Prayer to a star:
You who are in the sky, who observe over all, who give us hope with your light in the heavens, please listen to me.
I am earthbound, so i lack your perspective and vision. Perhaps from up there you can better see what happens, and that's how you can stay there, unwavering, without doubts. But i can't see past my current situation, and lack the knowledge to shake this fear from my bones.
Please share some of that steady light with the thread of my life, so that i may stand steady, come what may. I'm scared, very scared. It's the best i can do to not cry all day. Please, shining stars from my sky, please help me.
Scribbled Here by Ashtear at 18:04