Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I think I get it...

I think I understand what hurts so much. I used to be her world, as she is mine. But not anymore. Now, I'm not crucial to her happiness like I once was. Now, she can leave without me for wherever she wants, alone or with others, and be happy. I feel unnecessary, maybe unwanted, though I recognize it's not the same thing.

She doesn't miss me anymore. Or need me anymore. And that's what hurts. And it's my fault. I killed it myself, and I can even identify the moments where it died, little by little. I need to rebuild that. That desire to be with me. That passion. But how?

I don't know...

It's not something you produce; it must grow organically from being together. ~sigh~ I think it's time that I start to think of my retreat. There's no way I can do this without her, and she doesn't care either way, it seems.

If we were both trying to rebuild this, it would work. But as it stands, I have to reignite the spark within her, without her help, or even desire. That's awfully close to forcing, and I always said I wouldn't force anyone to be with me. But she says she wants to, and I can feel she does.

I feel vestiges, remnants of what once was. Today I went to her house, and we talked about Exalted. She leaned her head on my arm in a few occasions, which was interesting. But the big surprise came when we I was gonna leave.

She was talking to her uncle in the phone, and standing in front of me, while I was leaning on my car. After a few seconds, she leaned on me, resting all her body on mine, and nuzzling my neck. Then, ever so softly, she kissed my neck. Gently, as if kissing a sleeping baby.

After a while, she realized, and bounced off me, sheepish look in her face. When she hung up, she apologized, as if it troubled me. It didn't, at all, and I told her so. I told her that I could tell she was comfortable there, so I wouldn't deny her what comforts she could still derive from me.

That's what I have. A hopeful connection. I'll work with it. But I won't wait forever. I'll give it until her birthday. If by then things aren't much better, I'll just disappear. No sense in hurting the both of us, or worse, waiting for her to hurt me when she finds someone else...

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