Loss is getting feisty...

The more I think on it, the deeper it hurts. Damn, and I thought I was rid of him!

I think I get it...

I think I understand what hurts so much. I used to be her world, as she is mine. But not anymore. Now, I'm not crucial to her happiness like I once was. Now, she can leave without me for wherever she wants, alone or with others, and be happy. I feel unnecessary, maybe unwanted, though I recognize it's not the same thing.

She doesn't miss me anymore. Or need me anymore. And that's what hurts. And it's my fault. I killed it myself, and I can even identify the moments where it died, little by little. I need to rebuild that. That desire to be with me. That passion. But how?

I don't know...

It's not something you produce; it must grow organically from being together. ~sigh~ I think it's time that I start to think of my retreat. There's no way I can do this without her, and she doesn't care either way, it seems.

If we were both trying to rebuild this, it would work. But as it stands, I have to reignite the spark within her, without her help, or even desire. That's awfully close to forcing, and I always said I wouldn't force anyone to be with me. But she says she wants to, and I can feel she does.

I feel vestiges, remnants of what once was. Today I went to her house, and we talked about Exalted. She leaned her head on my arm in a few occasions, which was interesting. But the big surprise came when we I was gonna leave.

She was talking to her uncle in the phone, and standing in front of me, while I was leaning on my car. After a few seconds, she leaned on me, resting all her body on mine, and nuzzling my neck. Then, ever so softly, she kissed my neck. Gently, as if kissing a sleeping baby.

After a while, she realized, and bounced off me, sheepish look in her face. When she hung up, she apologized, as if it troubled me. It didn't, at all, and I told her so. I told her that I could tell she was comfortable there, so I wouldn't deny her what comforts she could still derive from me.

That's what I have. A hopeful connection. I'll work with it. But I won't wait forever. I'll give it until her birthday. If by then things aren't much better, I'll just disappear. No sense in hurting the both of us, or worse, waiting for her to hurt me when she finds someone else...

Happy

I'm happy. Things seem to be ok, friendwise, between us. Seems I pissed off a lot of people with my stupidity last thursday, but with time I can smooth that out. She seems to defend her friendship, which makes me hopeful. We'll see.

The chemistry is there, which is what startled me the most. Our fingers played like they did when we were starting off, and we still bump our heads and our noses like we used to... it's wonderful. But I have to try and not suffocate her.

And to that end, I will let her reach for me when she wishes. She seems to prefer to spend her time with her friends, so I won't touch that. I'll just be there at college, as normal, and if she calls me outside. Otherwise I'll stick to myself. I'll try to do one thing a week with her. Just one, so she doesn't forget me.

I paid for breakfast, she paid for lunch. Either time, nausea didn't let me eat. But then at work, I was famished and ate as usual. Does she make me so nervous that I can't eat? Maybe...

Sad, isn't it?

First class

Had some stupid story to summarize in spanish class. Absurd.

Been talking with her today, and things seem to be ok. She's distant, in an expected way, but in others she's allowed us to be closer than I would've thought. She's talking, though, so that's awesome.

Morning

I woke up, if two hours of sleep could be considered "sleep". I was so nervous I couldn't stop fidgeting. I had nightmares as well. In all of them she was with someone else. In one she wanted my seed, but to raise the baby with her new partner because I was "unreliable" and "random". Is that true?

I unlinked this blog from my facebook profile today, because I think what I've been posting here's a bit too personal for all the idiots on Facebook. Anyone who knows my blog address and still checks it even after the ages-long silence in it still cares, apparently, so they can see it.

~sighs deeply, concern etched in his features~ I hope this hope isn't false hope. Loss is waking up...

I don't feel the pain anymore....

... but I don't understand why... she did say she loved me, but that doesn't mean she'll treat me like she does... am I so "living on hope" that that was enough to take the pain of loss away? The apparent promise that we can be in each other's lives, even if just as friends?

Well, no. I can feel an echo of the pain... you know, it's been such a close friend these last few days, I will name it. I will name it Loss.

~sigh~

She said that there's been a shady guy around where she lives outside, and that her mom said that she shouldn't go out... I don't know why I'm surprised...

I have to trust her, but I can't help but feel that she's keeping something from me... I don't know... if she loves someone else, she should just tell me and not let me get my hopes up. It's my only suspicion, because it's the only thing I can think that she wouldn't tell me; her feelings...

I'll just take advantage of the peace and start dealing with everything she owes me, and get that out of the way, just in case I have to leave...

~exhales a breath he didn't know he was holding~

Well, things seem to be going to be ok, at least friendship wise, and at least in writing. We'll see how different are actions from words tomorrow.

Also, she asked me what a best friend was, and I liked my definition, so I'll set it here too. ^_^

~~~
Go out, spend time together, talk about each other's lives, go for ice cream, and usually stick together a lot. Someone who doesn't keep secrets, because they enjoy each other's company. Someone who won't hurt you. Be there when the other one needs you, no questions asked. Lend a shoulder to cry on, and advice, even if I don't want to hear it, because a best friend isn't there to tell you what you want to hear; but what's best for you. Someone who cares for you almost over himself. That's what a best friend is to me. That's what I am when I am a best friend.

~~~

Fear versus Hope

It's amazing how fear and hope fight over my mouth. After some chatting, I ask her if I can see her tonight. I'm totally afraid she will refuse me, but I hope she won't. I need to see her. In controlled conditions, before class and normalcy try to consume me again.

She said she would! Well, she said she'd try and stay awake, so I don't know if I will see her. I hope I can.

She says she wants us to be best friends, but I sort of feel like an acquaintance, watching a life that isn't my own through dirty glasses. I'm not a part of her life anymore, and probably never will. I just hope I can be there for her in every way she needs...

Superficiality...

I text with her, about superficial subjects. What book she's reading, about her going to the beach... it hurts to be pushed out of her life, when I was once everything to her... but I must endure, should...

Hope's the last thing you lose, right?

First contact...

Talked to her for a bit, text messaging only, though. Seems she's sick. I wish I could help her, but I don't think it would be welcome even if I could, so I'll stay quiet. Tried to send her a text message, but my phone won't let it go.

I wonder what tomorrow's gonna be like...

First post from my G1

At work, in my lunch break... pain doesn't recede still, though it seems to somehow be associated with hunger... yet it makes me less willing to eat. Odd...

I will always love you...

You know, it's strange... i just arrived at my house, after not seeing or hearing anything from her in the past 2 days, and I don't know what to do. i know people have told me I need to move on, but if the heart's meant to have an on/off switch, I fail to find it.

I sit in my room, in my chair, and even in this lonely room she surrounds me. My bookshelf, which she organized, reminds me how much she loved me; enough to fix all that while I looked and did barely anything. I look at my bed, and all the time we shared in it, both excited and restful. I look at my desk, and I can see her silhouette, playing World of Warcraft on her laptop with me, asking me what instance we're gonna run next...

The truth is, she left. I was trying my best to fix everything, but apparently someone else gave her what I couldn't, and she left for greener pastures, as they say. Now these have started to rot, to wither and die, without her light.

I wish for many things... But foremost among them is that someday, she'll know how much i love her. Because I still do. Like a song says:

But I cannot forget

Refuse to regret

So glad I met you

Take my breath away

Make everyday

Worth all of the pain that I have

Gone through

And mama I've been cryin'

Cause things ain't how they used to be

And I wish things would go back the way I used to be... I've always believed that I don't regret anything I've ever done, because all my actions have made me who i am, and I don't think I'm so bad. Now I'm not so sure. A friend of mine says that I shouldn't regret anything that made me smile, but what if I also hurt someone else? I've never regret something in my whole life more than losing Gynoshka Babilonia Febre...

And if you ever read this, love, I don't think I have to say how sorry I am; I think I was clear on that even before this last bit. I just hope everything works out wonderfully for you. You always deserved better than me. But I was selfish enough to hope you'd stay anyways.

I will always love you...

Responsability (Responsabilidad)

Dying is easy. It's living that's hard. To live with the consequences of your actions; to face them, and say, not to anyone else, but to yourself: "This is my doing." That is hard. Death would be merciful, stripping the pain and tears from my flesh. Death would be merciful, tearing the memory of her smile from my mind. Taking the pain and solitude of my loneliness from my hands. Taking my eyes so I don't have to see hers, sparing me their pain, pain that I cause. 

Death would be a mercy, but I must go on... There is much yet to do, so yesterday's mistakes are not repeated tomorrow. There is much yet to resolve, both for myself, and for she who doesn't need me...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Morir es facil. Es vivir que es dificil. Vivir con las consequencias de tus acciones; enfrentarlas, y decir, no a nadie mas, pero a ti mismo; "Esto lo hice yo." Eso es dificil. La muerte seria misericordiosa, arrancandome el dolor y las lagrimas de mi piel. La muerte seria misericordiosa, extirpando el recuerdo de su sonrisa de mi mente. Quitando el dolor y la soledad de mi abandono de mis manos. Desgarrando mis ojos para no tener que ver los de ella, salvandome del dolor en ellos, dolor que yo causo.

La muerte me traeria misericordia, pero tengo que seguir adelante... Falta mucho por hacer, para que los errores de ayer no se repitan mañana. Todavia hay mucho que resolver, tanto por mi, como por aquella que no me necesita...

Machiavellianism Personality Test

A test of 

Machiavellianism

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Machiavellianism is, according to the OED, "the employment of cunning and duplicity in statecraft or in general conduct", deriving from the Renaissance diplomat and writer Niccolò Machiavelli, who wrote IlundefinedPrincipe (TheundefinedPrince) and other works. Machiavellian and variants became very popular in the late 16th century in English, though "Machiavellianism" itself is first cited by the OED from 1626. The word has a similar use in modernpsychology.

Some Words for You...

Hey... I know that you wanted some time away from me to think, and I want to give it to you. But now that I don't spend as much time talking to you as I'd like, I find myself with a lot of bottled up feelings that I want to say.

Right now I feel a mix of hope and despair. I hope that you find me in your heart, deep down where I used to be. I hope that things go back to the way they were, if not to how it started, to where it steadied, which in many ways was better, if not flashier, was more stable. More fitting a future together. But I also despair. I'm afraid that you'll find your heart whole, missing nothing, and thus, will forget me.

Yet still, I hope. You apparently still like to kiss me, and seem to feel something from it, even if you don't know what. You asked me for my shirt to wear tonight, so you seem to still derive comfort from my perceived presence. You cooked for me, though whether as payment for my passing the trimmer or for the pleasure of pleasing me I don't know. I know I mowed the lawn just so I could be with you, and get your mother off your back. ^_^

Yet I cry. My tears flow endlessly, if not in my eyes, in my heart. My shower was not one of pleasure, because I drown in my tears. They fill up the tub, my only companion in my sadness. I'm not letting anyone else near me. Not even her, whom I'm sure would comfort me, if not for her friendship for her other feelings... But that's probably why I avoid her. I don't want her tainted sympathy, or anyone's sympathy.

It's funny how when people go through the situation of losing a girlfriend, people always hear the same words. "There are more of them out there." Isn't it obvious that if I wanted any of the others I wouldn't be crying? Thus, if I cry, it's because I don't care for the others, only for the focus of my attention, my love, you.

I thought that, as a goodbye, I should write some story, of lost romance, yet hope for the future. Maybe that way you'd see how I felt, and maybe understand. I also thought I should try charming you into my arms again. I even went as far as shaving my face. *laughs* But then i thought that maybe that was my first mistake, charming you that Christmas so long ago into being with me instead of letting you decide for yourself. Maybe all this has been a lie stemming from that bad decision in my part. Who knows.

But alas, my muse escapes me. She doesn't want to talk to me. In fact she's reading this now, thinking of me by extension, and wondering if she should take back the pitiful fool of a boyfriend she used to have. Or if he should just be her "best friend". The death sentence.

I still don't understand. How can you not understand what you feel when you kiss someone? I feel rose petals, for instance. Rose petals and honey. Your skin is soft, and the happiness that brims in my heart when you kiss me is sweet. Or the jolt that courses through my skin, lighting every neuron on the way to my brain every time you touch me, making me acutely aware if every contact point between you and me.

The soft chiming of bells that is your laughter... How can I keep myself from tickling you, with such a beautiful sound filling my ears? It reminds me of late nights in my car, at "work meetings", yet listening to music on your iPod. Or was it my iPod? i don't know and I don't care, that wasn't the important part. The important part was the touch of your skin, the scent in your hair, the taste of your lips, which graced me for almost a year and a half, if I count the stolen time at the beginning...

But it seems it's over, though hope still shimmers faintly in my heart. The glimmer in my tears is stronger, for they are much more abundant, but it's still there, holding my heart together, patching the hole your absence leaves... Looking out and praying you'll be back to fill it, and thus me, with the life that filled me when we were together...

I love you, and I always will.

I know I said I didn't believe in breaks, but like I also told you, I'm tired. I'm tired of the stupid dance humans dance to find a mate. Right now I had a future planned out, with my studies, my work, my love... Now I lost one of the cornerstones in my plan, And it may fall on that side. I'll just go on, even if those two have to drag the rest of me through.

If you want time, take the time. As long as you don't lie to me, my world is yours. And when you know what it is in your heart, let me know. Whether you heal my heart, or shatter it forever, I don't care.

The promise of hearing your voice one more time will keep me going until the end of time itself.

SNL Delivers Hardcore Content to Wii

Prayer to a Star

Prayer to a star:

You who are in the sky, who observe over all, who give us hope with your light in the heavens, please listen to me.

I am earthbound, so i lack your perspective and vision. Perhaps from up there you can better see what happens, and that's how you can stay there, unwavering, without doubts. But i can't see past my current situation, and lack the knowledge to shake this fear from my bones.

Please share some of that steady light with the thread of my life, so that i may stand steady, come what may. I'm scared, very scared. It's the best i can do to not cry all day. Please, shining stars from my sky, please help me.

Final Fantasy Versus XIII

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This blog...

I'm sitting here, at work. Bored. Sick. I had forgotten this space, hadn't been here in ages... Dunno, maybe i should start talking to myself in public again...